Saturday, April 2, 2011

The absolute bottom 50 conspiracy theories according to Chickenhead plus an unauthorised add-on

  1. Ronald Reagan's second term was the inspiration for Weekend at Bernie's 2.
  2. TWA Flight 800 landed safely... in 1954.
  3. The noble gases of the periodic table are not noble at all, but a bunch of sleazy bastard plasmas.
  4. The "Director's Cut" version of The Ten Commandments includes four additional, never-before-seen commandments.
  5. Procter & Gamble executives celebrate Satan's power by drinking flaming shots of Pantene®
  6. Princess Diana was assassinated by NAMBLA.
  7. Sesame Street's Big Bird exudes an affable, nice-guy nature to conceal his true, deep-down, serial ritualistic murderer self.
  8. Playing Eminem's Marshall Mathers EP backwards reveals an unabridged audio transcript of the Equal Rights Amendment.
  9. Romans didn't kill Christ. The Klingons did.
  10. Adolph Hitler enjoyed a lucrative post-war career as a corrupt Brazilian pool boy.
  11. Everyone was afraid of Virginia Woolf – that's how she got published.
  12. Delaware is a hallucination.
  13. Steven Spielberg gets his "through the eyes of a child" inspirations by drinking the blood of children.
  14. Chicago's water has been spiked with LSD since the '68 Democratic Convention.
  15. Under cover of night, stealthy mobs of ninja homosexuals beautify your neighborhood.
  16. PETA members routinely supplement their protein-deficient diets with steaming casseroles of human cuticles!
  17. Strom Thurmond prefers "dark meat."
  18. Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman divorced over "divergent careers."
  19. The Unabomber was driven to madness by Coleco Electronic Quarterback handheld football.
  20. The women of MAXIM Magazine are painstakingly retouched, dewrinkled, deveined, and artificially thinned in Photoshop - PRIOR to having their pictures taken.
  21. The mysterious CIA black helicopter squadron is commanded by Airwolf's Ernest Borgnine.
  22. Corn kernels contain alien biosensors capable of passing through the body intact.
  23. Log Cabin Republicans secretly coerced confirmation votes in support of John Ashcroft's hunky ass.
  24. Bill Gates cheats on his wife by hacking in to teenaged girls' computers and reading their love poetry!
  25. The amazing products of Ronco are actually surplus CIA technologies.
  26. Blockbuster Video devotes 10% of all profits to the Titanium Hymen Society.
  27. 2001's California energy crisis was actually due to escaped Gremlins from San Francisco's Chinatown.
  28. Lee Harvey Oswald fiercely resented Kennedy's hairline.
  29. Pop Rocks and Pepsi killed grandpa
  30. "Tourette's Syndrome" is just smart people having fun.
  31. Frank Purdue suppressed irrefutable evidence that chickens compose hauntingly beautiful film scores.
  32. Deployment of the International Space Station project has been delayed by the mischievous poltergeist of Christa MacAuliffe.
  33. Alan Greenspan is an idiot savant who counts on his fingers.
  34. Post-coital smoking killed the dinosaurs.
  35. Nobody wins Lotto.
  36. The Tooth Fairy resells molars at $3.50 a pop.
  37. The Trix Rabbit uses reverse psychology to instill sugar-cereal-desire in children.
  38. A gluttonous, drug addled, and enraged Elvis Presley choked to death while trying to swallow his slumbering wife Priscilla.
  39. Department store animatronic Christmas displays are bristling with surveillance equipment.
  40. While you're away, The FBI sneaks into your home and roots through your old Hustlers.
  41. That wasn't Elizabeth Taylor accepting the 1960 Best Actress Academy Award – it was really a pill-popping J. Edgar Hoover in full drag.
  42. Lyle Lovett was the inspiration for Chia Pets
  43. Walt Disney personally rigged the Florida elections from his subterranean bunker far beneath Epcot Center.
  44. A tipsy Richard Nixon took the famous photo of a naked John and Yoko cuddling in bed.
  45. The Billboard Top 40 are determined by intense late-night games of "Rock, Paper, Scissors."
  46. Watergate snitch "Deep Throat" and "Deep Throat" star Linda Lovelace were in fact one and the same.
  47. Sportscaster Bob Costas is really cutting-edge claymation.
  48. Hillary Clinton didn't kill Vince Foster… Chelsea did.
  49. Barry Manilow didn't write the songs. He didn't even really sing them.
  50. Eric Clapton pushed that kid out the window
  51. Scientists are experimenting with germ warfare on the International Space Station. Read more ...

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